A PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE: scrat's autobiography
by superchick00007
Summary: a parody of scrat's life... R&R!
1. Chapter 1: INTRODUCTION TO MANFRED

**_A Purpose Driven Life _**

_**INTRODUCTION and INTRODUCTION OF MANFRED**_

_Hello. My name is Scrat. I have had 3 near death experiences and 4 experiences where I _

_should've died and didn't in the last 81 minutes. My mother's name is Scat, my father's, _

_Rat, thus: Scrat. I was born in a hollow tree that, ironically, is where my mother had me. _

_Ya, weird. I was born with four other creatures my parents liked to call "their children". _

_One of them went on to go to Harvard, another became a psychopath, and I haven't _

_heard from the other two since they died when our tree was hit by lightening, which killed _

_them. My parents got sick of the avalanches, earthquakes, and other "natural" _

_catastrophe's that seemed to follow me around, and turned me out of the house just _

_before I reached the young age of 27 ½. _

_One day, I was hunting acorns, and the tree (under which I was standing under) _

_randomly uprooted itself and fell right now me (as that was the tree under which I was _

_standing under). This was supposed to be the harshest winter yet known (supposedly _

_called the "ice age" or "the winter the ozone layer left".) to us (us, meaning all the other _

_half evolved creatures that lived in the world at that time.) and i wanted to have plenty of _

_food for when i went into hiding (otherwise known as "hibernation"), but after I'd gotten _

_out from under the tree, the other rat/squirrels had carried away EVERY SINGLE _

_ACORN! There wasn't ONE left! well, except for the one directly under my middle rear _

_left paw. I gasped, there, under my paw was the most perfectest acorn I'd EVER seen! I _

_jumped for joy, hitting my head on a branch (that had suspiciously positioned itself _

_directly above my head) hitting my funny bone, causing me to open my hand and be _

_momentarily paralyzed in that position (near death experience number one). My poor _

_acorn went rolling down a cliff that hadn't noticed before. in fact, i swear it wasn't _

_THERE before. but does that matter? no. well, yes, but no. well... nevermind. it went _

_rolling down the hill, and momentarily (after i'd become UNmomentarily paralyzed) I _

_went rolling/running/scrambling after it. I finally caught up to it at the bottom of the hill, _

_and started to run, searching for a place to hide it, and myself for the winter. finally, i _

_decided there were no places I could hide, but i would have to find someplace to put my _

_acorn while i searched for more food, and a place for me to "hibernate". i shoved my _

_acorn in the ground. i jumped on it and squashed it and worked as HARD as i could to _

_push it in. finally, it slipped into the hole i had created. and suddenly there was a _

_cracking sound, near my feet, behind me. now i should mention that when i'm nervous, _

_my eye twitches. well, when i turned around, i saw the cracking sound was the ice. i tried _

_to stop it, and i ran after it. but it was no use. it went about 100 yards, then went up a _

_mountain, and all was still... until POP a tiny chunk of ice popped out at the top. my eye _

_twitched. suddenly, razor sharp icicles were coming down all around me. i turned, and _

_did the most intelligent thing i could do. i ran straight away from the iceberg, instead of _

_sideways, away from it... go figure. anyway, it was getting closer and closer. i turned _

_and looked behind me. it looked like i was safe. then i turned ahead of me. AH!there _

_was another iceberg directly in front of me, heading full steam towards me. I started _

_running to the side, like i should've done in the first place. i barely made it out alive. (first _

_experience where i should've died but didn't.) i was popped out of the hole, and i went _

_SOARING through the air. now here's the part the PIXAR directors cut out. I landed not _

_in a procession of animals heading south for the winter/ice age, no, i landed with a _

_THUNK in the middle of nowhere. THUNK. "I think i'm in the middle of nowhere", I _

_thought. I decided the middle of nowhere was about as good a home as any, considering _

_it was the middle of nowhere practically... everywhere. Out of desperation i was forced _

_to live in an abandoned toilet (in the middle of nowhere) during the cold winter that _

_followed, considering my family had left me a long time ago for the south. I found some _

_old moss for carpet, and actually some nice moss for couches, and this odd mossy _

_textured plant (that i assumed was moss) served very nicely for a blanket. (It could get a _

_bit drafty in the pipes where i slept). The next spring people said the next winter would be _

_even COLDER, and i decided, enough is enough. after all, there's only so much popcorn _

_one can eat, and i decided then and there that there would be no more roaming from _

_place to place with a toilet on my back. never again! I took my lucky acorn (the one that _

_i'd managed to save from the iceberg) and i found a procession of animals heading south. _

_it felt GREAT. to be with other animals that didn't treat me like i was some rat/squirrel _

_thing with a toilet on it's back. they actually treated me like one of them! so anyway, here _

_i am in this procession, and my toilet is getting rather heavy, so i took out the moss, and _

_that lightened my load by, well, nothing actually... so i'm walking in this procession _

_when all of a sudden this pot bellied little... well, actually i don't know WHAT he was, but _

_whatever he was, his name was herbert, but i'd never even SEEN him before, i mean, i _

_don't even know his name, but he walked up to me and the little snarfblatt decided it _

_would be pretty funny to run me out (more correctly phrased out from under) my home, _

_and grabbed my toilet and shoved me, making my run right out from under my home. i _

_was so relieved when i turned around and my toilet was safe in his arms. well, that is, it _

_WAS safe until he chucked it over a cannon wall. i was crushed. (so incidentally was my _

_toilet, i discovered later). I raced over to the cannon wall and jumped. sitting in the air, _

_suspended by a powerful force known to PIXAR as "delayed gravity", i sat there and _

_realized just what i'd done. my face went from a look of horror to... horror, and my eye _

_twitched furiously. i scrambled toward the cliff edge on what some call the "invisible _

_treadmill" but it was too late. my five seconds of delayed gravity were up, and i fell. and _

_landed directly in front of a giant mammoth, that was in (or on, it was hard to tell) _

_another procession and oh yes, being "Scrat the lucky squirrel/rat" he stepped directly on _

_me. which is where you come in. and nobody cares about me anymore because that is _

_where they bring in some stupid sloth, and i just become some background crazy animal, _

_constantly running after an acorn (but as you now know, i'm much, much more than that.) _

_Anyway, amazingly none of my bones were bumped, bruised, dislocated, cracked, or _

_smashed beyond healing or recognition, from either the 1000 ft. fall, or being stepped on _

_by a 1000 lb. giant hairy mammoth. (experiences where i should've died and didn't _

_numbers 2 and 3). Who knows wut happens to me after this, because this is where they _

_bring in the lovely, sweet, disgustlingly sarcastic _

_co-hero. oh yes, you know him well. the backstabbing MANFRED THE MAMMOTH. _

_perky music _

_DIRECTOR: wrong music you idiots!_

_classical music _

_DIRECTOR: ugh!_

_FIGHTING ENSUES_

_a series of bangs, bumps, crashes, and occassional piano chords are heard, seeming to fit _

_the scene. _

_sort of... _


	2. Chapter 2: INTRODUCTION TO SID

_**Chapter 2 **_

_**INTRODUCTION OF SID**_

_Now, I must say, I don't really understand why all of you are so THRILLED with this _

_bumbling idiot. I really don't. He can't think, he can barely SPEAK, and he has two _

_crazy rhinoceros chasing after him, because he has an apparent death wish. So where _

_you find me now is on the bottom of a very large and hairy woolly mammoth. So I'm only _

_able to catch glimpses of what's going on, every time he takes a step, but I promise I will _

_faithfully narrate all that I'm able to see. So, I discover that this mammoth is walking _

_backwards from the procession. Either that, or everyone else is walking backward, which _

_I doubt, from the looks he's receiving. So I can't really see what's going on, but I hear a _

_thump, and then the mammoth stops walking, so my vision is totally obscured, but I could _

_hear their conversation relatively clearly. It went something like this "Mmmmph PHABA _

_toooooo loo maphiobaxo lato!" and then "WEPFE lalola walla walla merph copleon." _

_I'm fairly certain I've mistaken the last word, because in the language of yidderman, this _

_sentence means "I think I've swallowed the fly's journal." And as you all know fly's are _

_not NEARLY intelligent enough to keep a journal, but I really can't think of another word _

_that sounds the same. Except for capooleewn but that means lasagna, and obviously fly's _

_don't cook either. So we find ourselves walking again, and eventually the line of animals _

_fades away, and we begin walking through barren lands, and I get my first glimpses of _

_HIM. His snaggly teeth go perfectly with his disproportioned ears and his incapability _

_to walk. I was not impressed. The Mammoth didn't seem too impressed either, as the _

_large, snaggle toothed idiot was constantly being left behind and shouted at. The _

_conversations went something like so: _

"_When are we stopping to eat?" _

"_We? There is no WE. It's just ME and then there's just YOU, who seem to persist in _

_following ME." _

"_Oh." _

_And after they'd repeated this a few hundred times, and they'd finally exhausted the _

_issue, by the Mammoth giving up, they started on the issue of names. _

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: _

_EEsh guys, I'm not in a funny mood tonight… anyway, I have to watch the movie again, because I can't remember exactly what happens after this…. Hehe. So I want to thank everybody for all their reviews! _

_I'm STILL getting some, and it's so awesome! _

_**Dancing Mia**—glad you liked it… and sorry it's taken SO long to update! _

_**UndyingWisdom SnakeHead** – meaning less bold font? Ok. _

_**Cloe – **glad you liked it! Thanks for the review. Anything is better than nothing. It's so depressing when you don't get any reviews… _

_**Tater Salad –** entrez sid en ce chapitre_

_**Dracianna -- **Hmmm, good tip. I didn't think of that, but ya, reading it over, it's a lot easier. _

_**Kiki – **AAH! YOU ROCK!  The toilet idea was totally random. We were in the car driving to somewhere far away, and I just started doodling in a notebook. Then I started writing sentences, and drawing pictures of Scrat. Then I started putting sentences together, and I'd get ideas from random things in the car or things we passed… Totally random story, which I wasn't actually planning on continuing, but… I got lots of nice reviews, so I'm trying to finish it… _

_SOOOOOOO I think that's it… thanks to all my reviewers, and check out my other story's!  
Jack Sparrow's Life and The Fate of Squash… _


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